"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse." -- Don Vito Corleone, The Godfather
"Hold him still while I do jumping jacks on his balls." -- Patrick Jihad
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore." -- Dorothy Gale, Wizard of Oz
"Toto, there are some ugly fucking midgets all up in here." -- Patrick Jihad
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." -- Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind
"Frankly, my dear, you smell like santorum." -- Patrick Jihad
"Go ahead, make my day" -- Harry Callahan, Dirty Harry
What, are you gonna fuck with Dirty Harry? -- Patrick Jihad
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up." -- Norma Desmond, Sunset Boulevard
"All right, Mr. DeVille, my, that's a big car you have..." -- Patrick Jihad
"May the Force be with you." -- Han Solo, Star Wars
"What the fuck, Carrie? Are those cinnamon rolls stuck to your head?" -- Patrick Jihad
"What we've got here is (a) failure to communicate." -- Captain Strother Martin, Cool Hand Luke
"Luke, I am gonna beat you like a rabid black cat." -- Patrick Jihad
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning!" -- Lt. Col. Bill Kilgore, Apocalypse Now
" I love the smell of crack whores in the morning." -- Patrick Jihad
"E.T. phone home." -- E.T., E.T.
"ET, why is your head so lumpy? -- Patrick Jihad
"If you build it, he will come." -- Shoeless Joe Jackson, Field of Dreams
"If you build it, you must be Chinese." -- Patrick Jihad
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Bad Vajayjay
Dear Gabby: When my ex-boyfriend and I called it off, he was very heavyset. (He was 5’10” and 250 lbs.) He was slimmer when we met, and then his life became stressful. (His cat died, his mom got cancer, and his niece was molested by her stepfather.) I wanted him to lose some weight for health reasons, but he wouldn’t. His eating habits were grossing me out. He went to McDonald’s almost every day and ordered three Big Macs. So we broke up eight months ago because of all the arguments.
Well, here’s the sad part. He’s thinner now (about 175 lbs. of muscle) and has a new girlfriend, who’s a total witch. And he’s hotter than he used to be. I really would like him back because he’s hot and slim. How can I step on his witchy new girlfriend so I can get him back? — Douchebag
Dear Douchebag: If you made a play for him, he might figure out it was all about the physical aspects, which is none too flattering. As for the witch, I would not move to dislodge her. My only suggestion would be to let him know that you find yourself missing him and see if he responds. Or doesn’t. — Gabby
Dear Douchebag: Likely, your boyfriend -- who was slimmer when you met -- gained significant weight because he realized you are a nagging fucking psycho who's only interested in getting your polluted vagina stuffed with any kind of meat product you can find. He ordered three Big Macs because he was fucking hungry after constantly barfing like a strung-out bulimic from looking at your atrocious grossness every night. By all means, throw your skanky, scab-ridden skeleton at him one more time! What have you got to lose? After all, it ain't like self-respect is something you hold dear, you fucking crack whore. And when he says, "thanks, no," try to not weep openly. You don't want your STD-laden tears to wash away any of the crusty skankiness you have worked so hard to acquire. You stupid douche.
Well, here’s the sad part. He’s thinner now (about 175 lbs. of muscle) and has a new girlfriend, who’s a total witch. And he’s hotter than he used to be. I really would like him back because he’s hot and slim. How can I step on his witchy new girlfriend so I can get him back? — Douchebag
Dear Douchebag: If you made a play for him, he might figure out it was all about the physical aspects, which is none too flattering. As for the witch, I would not move to dislodge her. My only suggestion would be to let him know that you find yourself missing him and see if he responds. Or doesn’t. — Gabby
What Vajayjay would have told her:
 |
| This is Douchebag, the crack whore. |
Dear Douchebag: Likely, your boyfriend -- who was slimmer when you met -- gained significant weight because he realized you are a nagging fucking psycho who's only interested in getting your polluted vagina stuffed with any kind of meat product you can find. He ordered three Big Macs because he was fucking hungry after constantly barfing like a strung-out bulimic from looking at your atrocious grossness every night. By all means, throw your skanky, scab-ridden skeleton at him one more time! What have you got to lose? After all, it ain't like self-respect is something you hold dear, you fucking crack whore. And when he says, "thanks, no," try to not weep openly. You don't want your STD-laden tears to wash away any of the crusty skankiness you have worked so hard to acquire. You stupid douche.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Yard work
Sucks
more than cankers.
more than a sweaty nut sack.
more than an ugly stripper
more than stale beer
more than cold pizza
more than chicks with hairy nipples
more than last call
more than shitty money shots
more than red lights
more than Adam Sandler
But yard work still doesn't suck:
as much as rectal drainage
as much as women's gymnastics
as much as cold vajayjay
as much as cats
as much as the Baltimore Orioles
as much as riding the Blue Line in the same car as a homeless man with beer farts
as much as sleeping on the wet spot.
as much as going down on a fat girl.
as much as people who don't know they're stupid.
as much as Pauley Shore
more than cankers.
more than a sweaty nut sack.
more than an ugly stripper
more than stale beer
more than cold pizza
more than chicks with hairy nipples
more than last call
more than shitty money shots
more than red lights
more than Adam Sandler
But yard work still doesn't suck:
as much as rectal drainage
as much as women's gymnastics
as much as cold vajayjay
as much as cats
as much as the Baltimore Orioles
as much as riding the Blue Line in the same car as a homeless man with beer farts
as much as sleeping on the wet spot.
as much as going down on a fat girl.
as much as people who don't know they're stupid.
as much as Pauley Shore
Thursday, April 28, 2011
A royal pain in my balls
Jesus H. Christ, for the love of all that is not retarded in this world, can we please, PRETTY PLEASE shut the fuck up about the latest royal wedding? I swear to Bob Barker's spotless colon that if I hear one more fucking word about leg-o-mutton sleeves or how Queen Elizabeth thinks Kate Middleton is the best thing since Tivo I am gonna go postal all over Buckingham Palace, starting with the Queen Mum -- who I will dig up, shoot in the skull, punch in her fucking bony cervix and then leave out for circling paparazzi to pepper with relentless questions about her drastic weight loss while she remains very quiet about it.
Who the hell really even cares about this bullshit, except for women and over the top fags who see this not as a celebration of love but as a reason to get fucked up and have unprotected sex in loos from Scotland Yard to Stonehenge and back again? Having never been to London OR Stonehenge, I don't know how many loos that is, but I bet it's a whole fucking bunch -- at least five. Brits are notorious for not going to the toilet a lot, part of the reason so many of them are full of shit. It's true. Look it up.
And the media has jumped right in. They are the ones yelling about how wonderful this is and how it unites the country in a harmonious love fest that will run the course of a fairy tale. Now, if by that they mean Kate Middleton will drink a potion that will ultimately kill her, I am all for it. Take two, my dear! But if they really think this is gonna be a love that defines a century, I have a London Bridge to sell them. I give this sham of a marriage 10 years tops before William decides his princely seed needs to be deposited in another fair maiden and calls Hugh Grant for a couple phone numbers of some quality leg. Fuck it. Make it five years. He's young and horny. Kate will be lucky if Wild Bill ain't leg humping the mote operator the night of the wedding.
Jesus, I can't wait for this bullshit to be over.
But you know the Japanese are loving this shit up. Fuck four melting nuclear reactors and a tsunami. With this royal wedding going on and the way the US press has bent over to take it in the anus for them, we don't hear a fucking peep about them.
Natural disasters are no match for royalty -- at least not in the United States.
Who the hell really even cares about this bullshit, except for women and over the top fags who see this not as a celebration of love but as a reason to get fucked up and have unprotected sex in loos from Scotland Yard to Stonehenge and back again? Having never been to London OR Stonehenge, I don't know how many loos that is, but I bet it's a whole fucking bunch -- at least five. Brits are notorious for not going to the toilet a lot, part of the reason so many of them are full of shit. It's true. Look it up.
And the media has jumped right in. They are the ones yelling about how wonderful this is and how it unites the country in a harmonious love fest that will run the course of a fairy tale. Now, if by that they mean Kate Middleton will drink a potion that will ultimately kill her, I am all for it. Take two, my dear! But if they really think this is gonna be a love that defines a century, I have a London Bridge to sell them. I give this sham of a marriage 10 years tops before William decides his princely seed needs to be deposited in another fair maiden and calls Hugh Grant for a couple phone numbers of some quality leg. Fuck it. Make it five years. He's young and horny. Kate will be lucky if Wild Bill ain't leg humping the mote operator the night of the wedding.
Jesus, I can't wait for this bullshit to be over.
But you know the Japanese are loving this shit up. Fuck four melting nuclear reactors and a tsunami. With this royal wedding going on and the way the US press has bent over to take it in the anus for them, we don't hear a fucking peep about them.
Natural disasters are no match for royalty -- at least not in the United States.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Taking back Gay
I'm taking back the word "Gay." I am rescuing this once-proud word from the stables of faggotry and bringing it out to the open again to take the place of the now maligned word "retarded." So, to be crystal clear here, Gay is the new Retarded.
So now, when somebody you know does something that's really retarded, you can say something like "Dude, seriously, that is really gay," and everybody will know you mean retarded, not homosexual. It's catching on pretty quickly, this new use for the word gay. All the coolest people are saying it.
What's happened to "retarded," you ask? It's being retired, like the word "nigger." You know how homeboys hanging around street corners call each other nigger this and nigger that and it's all good? Well, now mentally handicapped people can hang out on those same street corners and call each other retards and everybody will be cool with it. It won't be awkward at all. You can thank me later.
I can't wait for the first time I am at Ghetto Gas, filling up, buying a four-pack of the Bull and and a three-pack of Kools and some homey calls another a nigger at the counter. I will turn to them both and calmly say "gentlemen, please, such talk is totally gay." Fuck yeah!
Gay is the new retarded. Pass it on.
So now, when somebody you know does something that's really retarded, you can say something like "Dude, seriously, that is really gay," and everybody will know you mean retarded, not homosexual. It's catching on pretty quickly, this new use for the word gay. All the coolest people are saying it.
What's happened to "retarded," you ask? It's being retired, like the word "nigger." You know how homeboys hanging around street corners call each other nigger this and nigger that and it's all good? Well, now mentally handicapped people can hang out on those same street corners and call each other retards and everybody will be cool with it. It won't be awkward at all. You can thank me later.
I can't wait for the first time I am at Ghetto Gas, filling up, buying a four-pack of the Bull and and a three-pack of Kools and some homey calls another a nigger at the counter. I will turn to them both and calmly say "gentlemen, please, such talk is totally gay." Fuck yeah!
Gay is the new retarded. Pass it on.
Friday, November 26, 2010
Danny DeVito
Danny DeVito scres the shit out of me. He's like some little garden gnome without a hat. I don't like garden gnomes because I am pretty sure they're part of Al-Qaeda.
Danny DeVito is a terrorist. There is no doubt.
Danny DeVito is a terrorist. There is no doubt.
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